Everything that will definitely, maybe happen in the car world in 2025

Following its spat with Alfa Romeo over the name of the Italian-made-in-Poland Milano, the Italian government demands that Ford change the name of the Capri since it’s not actually made in the seaside town. Ford hastily secures a sponsorship deal with a drinks firm and renames it the Capri-Sun. Orange is now the only paint option.

Fernando Alonso dominates the season-opening Australian Grand Prix in an Aston Martin racer lightly fettled by Adrian Newey. An emotional Lewis Hamilton finishes a distant sixth, saying: “Did I say it was my dream to drive for Ferrari? I actually meant Britain’s Ferrari...”

April

In a surprise move, former prime minister Rishi Sunak applies to be the next boss of Stellantis. Bizarrely, he insists on holding his job interview outside without wearing a coat despite a torrential downpour. Predictably, his application is thoroughly rejected.

The UK government finally responds to calls to equalise the VAT paid on home and public EV chargers. But instead of cutting the public EV charging VAT rate to 5%, chancellor Rachel Reeves instead hikes the rate of domestic electricity to 20%. “Careful what you wish for,” says Reeves, before muttering something about being prepared to make unpopular decisions.

May

Former England manager Gareth Southgate emerges as a contender to lead Stellantis. The company is attracted by his strong track record but ultimately decides not to hire him due to fears that while they’d regularly reach the final of the Car of the Year Award, they’d never actually win the thing.

Skoda announces that it will follow up the Kamiq and Kyaq with a new SUV called the Kardashianq, which will be sold with Kim, Kylie and Kendall variants. The range proves an instant hit, even though nobody over the age of 40 is entirely sure what it does.

June

After the 'success' of the lane-keeping and speed limit alarms, the European Union issues new safety regulations for passenger cars. These include an "Everything's Alright" warning bong that must sound every three seconds when the car detects hazards.

Thankfully, it can be quickly deactivated by pressing up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Start.

During their comeback tour, Oasis surprises the world by revealing it will launch a new affordable EV. The band initially announces it will cost £10,000, but thanks to dynamic pricing, that soon rises to £50,000... sorry, £100,000... hang on, £200,000. One angry fan says: "If I had that much money, I'd get a Rolls with it."

July

Adrian Newey pops into Aston Martin's road car design studio in Gaydon for a sneak peek at the next-gen DBX. He suggests a few minor tweaks, including a double diffuser, which enables the SUV to generate more downforce than the gravitational pull of Saturn.

Eager to attract potential foreign investment, the UK government announces that, in return for at least pretending to consider building a factory here, any car manufacturer can name future products after any British location they fancy.

Alfa Romeo immediately announces that the Junior will now be called the Milton Keynes, although the firm insists that the Keynes is silent.

August

Expanding its deal with Taylor Swift, Suzuki announces plans to work with the singer to re-release new versions of all its old models.

The revived Jimmy (Taylor's Version) again receives criticism for its poor on-road manners, but while haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate, fans love its genuine Shake It Off-road ability.

Elon Musk expresses interest in becoming the new boss of Stellantis, posting on X that taking the role would accelerate his plans to conquer the world with an army of robots... sorry, save humanity through his cutting-edge technology.

September

The UK government finally clarifies plans to ban the sale of ICE cars. Only zero-emission vehicles can be sold after 2030, although hybrids will be exempt until 2035 provided they can drive at least 30 miles on electric power, are sold with a pair of furry dice, feature two vowels in their name, and are painted blue or pink.

Except on Thursdays, every third Sunday, and International Talk Like a Pirate Day.

October

Lord Sugar is interviewed for the Stellantis job, vowing to utilise technology developed for the Amstrad CPC 464 home computer to transform the firm. In the end, his assessment exercise goes badly, with Sugar saying: "It was a bloody mess. I'm fired."

Adrian Newey is invited to the film set of the upcoming 007 movie to see James Bond's Aston Martin DB5 up close. He suggests a few minor tweaks to improve its performance.

The movie proves disastrous because none of the villains' cars can keep up with the new James Bond supercar, and the planned seven-minute car chase sequence ends after just 30 seconds.

November

Following the arrival of the new Aceman to join the Countryman, Mini reveals details of its next new machine.

The Mini Pac-Man will be an ultra-compact model designed for strong handling on narrow lanes, with a radical motor that's powered by sucking up coloured dots left lying in the road.